The fallacy that stains perfectionism

Perfectionism harbors a shadowy aspect, asserts Ellen Hendriksen, a clinical psychologist and educator at Boston University, in her recent publication “How to Be Enough: Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists.” In this revised dialogue with the Gazette, Hendriksen, whose background includes a fellowship at Harvard Medical School, imparts her perspectives on how to diminish inclinations that can result in distressing cycles of self-critique and solitude.

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When does perfectionism qualify as a positive trait?

Perfectionism has a beneficial core since its essence lies in conscientiousness, which reflects the inclination to be responsible and diligent, to execute tasks well and completely, and to exhibit profound care. Studies indicate that conscientiousness ranks as the top attribute for both measurable and subjective achievement in life. Individuals exhibiting perfectionist tendencies often achieve significant success, which may present as outstanding academic performances, job accomplishments, athletic achievements, music, or areas not commonly viewed as performance, such as healthy nutrition, maintaining an organized environment, or consistently appearing polished.

How does perfectionism turn detrimental?

Unhealthy perfectionism entails excessive evaluation, where one’s worth gets conflated with performance, accompanied by severe self-criticism. It becomes detrimental when we pursue perfection in hopes of gaining belonging and acceptance. Perfectionism deceives us with a false notion: that we can connect, feel a sense of belonging, and be accepted through our achievements. However, it backfires because while we may gain admiration through exceptional performance, that does not equate to genuine acceptance. When admired, we find ourselves elevated on a pedestal, leading to isolation.

According to research by Roz Shafran, Zafra Cooper, and Christopher Fairburn, clinical perfectionism manifests when our sense of self-worth hinges on meeting overly demanding personal standards, assessed in an all-or-nothing framework. Should we define failure by the inability to meet those standards—our own or others’—we may subsequently become either overwhelmed or intimidated, leading us to avoid our tasks. Alternatively, we might attempt to succeed but ultimately fail not due to a lack of ability but because our expectations were unattainable. In either scenario, self-criticism ensues, leaving us feeling inadequate or unworthy. Should we manage to exert ourselves to fulfill our standards, we might then believe our standards were insufficiently demanding, thus perpetuating the cycle.

What other expressions of perfectionism can lead to issues?

Perfectionism may also be exhibited through an excessive focus on rules or an obsession with mistakes—either through efforts to evade future errors or by chastising ourselves for previous ones. It can manifest as procrastination, as the anticipation of confronting our unrealistic expectations can be paralyzing. It often appears in social comparison; we constantly seek to answer the question, “Am I sufficient?” Ultimately, it can lead to feelings of detachment or isolation in relationships, as we engage in what’s termed perfectionistic self-presentation, wherein we highlight our successes while concealing our struggles, thus portraying ourselves as not only performance-driven but also unapproachable.

“When we perform superbly, we might earn admiration, but that’s different than acceptance. When we’re admired, we’re put on a pedestal, but that means we’re alone.”

Are there connections between perfectionism and depression or anxiety?

If failure is construed as not meeting our standards—which are often inflexible and unrealistic—we will inevitably accumulate many perceived failures. When this cycle repeats over days, years, and potentially decades, we may begin to internalize a sense of failure. Over time, the two foundational elements of depression, namely hopelessness (i.e., “This will never improve”) and helplessness (i.e., “Nothing I attempt works”), can settle in.

In terms of anxiety, as we grapple with excessive evaluation—merging our worth with our performance—our sense of value remains perpetually unsettled. Each event becomes a referendum on our character: This could manifest during any work meeting where we expect ourselves to articulate insightful comments, during exams where we anticipate achieving an A-plus, or during social gatherings where we expect ourselves to be charming and eloquent, or at least not awkward or strange. It follows that we approach each prospective performance with apprehension, anxiety, and concern. To clarify my grammar, it’s as if “Did I perform well?” translates to “Am I worthy?” and “I performed poorly” indicates “I am unworthy.”

In your book, you provide targeted strategies to manage perfectionism. Could you elaborate on that guidance?

I interpret the subtitle of the book, “Self-Acceptance for Self-Critics and Perfectionists,” very literally. When I speak of self-acceptance, I imply that we need not alter our self-critical nature. Instead, we can transform our relationship with such criticisms. I propose we treat our self-critical thoughts just as we would the background music in a café: it’s present, yet we need not join in singing along. In perfectionism, which fundamentally stems from conscientiousness, we tend to take everything seriously—including our thoughts and emotions. What I suggest is to take self-critical thoughts with a touch less seriousness. They will still be present, yet we don’t need to accept them as absolute truths. We can allow them to drift past or flow through our minds without being pulled along.

Another technique for overcoming perfectionist instincts is to prioritize values over rules. Many individuals with perfectionist traits are inclined to adhere strictly to rules, and in the absence of definitive guidelines, they often create their own excessively demanding criteria. Values are not inherently coercive; we willingly opt to adhere to them, and we’re generally willing to experience some discomfort to do so. For instance, the value of community service may lead you to forgo a leisurely Saturday morning at the beach to volunteer for a beach clean-up. Shifting our focus from rules to values enables us to select what is significant and meaningful rather than following impractical guidelines.

It’s important for me to assert that reducing our perfectionistic tendencies isn’t as arduous as it may seem. Those of us with perfectionistic traits often resort to major renovations and complete overhauls, yet we needn’t engage in such extensive efforts. Minor adjustments will suffice. We can aim to be 5 percent more forgiving toward ourselves, permit 1 percent slip-ups, and strive to be 2 percent kinder to ourselves, which often proves to be adequate.