How to not take yourself too seriously

Natalie Dattilo is an educator of psychology at Harvard Medical School.

Humor exists in various forms. Self-mocking humor constitutes its own distinct form.

I employ laughter and humor when assisting individuals grappling with depression and anxiety. Self-mocking humor can prove beneficial in a therapeutic environment. I utilize it personally to demonstrate its influence and promote connection. For instance, I’m a mother and I frequently express, “mom failing,” among other remarks. I believe that’s acceptable because acknowledging oneself in that manner introduces an element of surprise and conveys that it’s acceptable to not take oneself too gravely. Infusing humor into that dialogue also promotes safety. Humor alleviates the burden or diminishes the weight of that moment, assisting in emotion regulation, which aids in restoring some sense of clarity and perspective.

The phrase self-mocking humor can make it seem far more negative than it actually is. To me, it’s not about ridiculing oneself; it involves taking oneself or the circumstances one finds oneself in less solemnly. Individuals who tend to employ self-mocking humor effectively are generally quite humble and self-aware. These individuals perceive themselves as they are, both positively and negatively, and have come to embrace that reality. It communicates a certain degree of self-assurance. There’s a readiness and openness to exhibit vulnerability. It also emphasizes the likability of those who don’t take themselves overly seriously.

Learning the skill of not taking oneself too seriously without denigrating oneself is crucial.

What’s captivating about the application of self-mocking humor is its spontaneous nature, which can be quite disclosing. The language utilized may sometimes reveal insights into an individual coming from a space of pain or diminished self-worth. Extreme self-critique and the employment of very harsh language to describe oneself, including tone and context, are significant considerations.

At times, self-deprecation may be wielded as a call for attention. An individual might be employing what appears to be humor, but underneath it can elicit sympathy. It might also come across as somewhat off-putting to the audience. When you articulate something you believe is humorous, but others react with, “Oh, that’s not amusing,” it’s worth taking a deeper look to uncover the source of such sentiments and what one hopes to achieve through such expressions. Furthermore, when we take ourselves too weightily or regard our situations too seriously, it can create a cycle where we feel negatively about ourselves, project negativity onto others, and consequently receive that feedback back.

Grasping the ability to not take oneself too seriously without belittling oneself is essential. When you utter something that crosses your mind, and you find it amusing, does expressing it enhance your mood, or does it negatively impact you? Or does it yield the response you were hoping for?

It’s noteworthy that self-mocking humor tends to be more prevalent in individualistic societies, whereas collectivist cultures frequently poke fun at others. Western societies emphasize relatability and approachability; being able to connect with others by signaling flaws and vulnerabilities conveys the notion that everyone faces challenges, and we are all in this together. Cultures leaning more towards collectivism often jest among one another due to a different sense of community, akin to how one might tease a sibling. This humor is light-hearted and not intended to cause offense or harm.

I observe that many of us engage in extreme behaviors that are neither helpful nor likely healthy. Approaching ourselves with less severity acts as a tool to help restore better balance, whether within ourselves or in our interactions with others. For example, consider two individuals who hold starkly opposing views and struggle to connect with one another. In such scenarios, discovering common ground through something that could be humorous might be transformative. It may seem like I am overstating humor’s effects, but when we take ourselves overly seriously, we isolate ourselves, preventing genuine connection with others.

— Narrated to Liz Mineo/Harvard Staff Writer