From sending thank-you notes to touching a colleague’s meal, she’s adjudicated on it all

Perhaps you disdain spending the holidays with your sardonic brother-in-law or dread making a social blunder at an acquaintance’s wedding. For two decades, residents of Boston confronting such dilemmas have sought counsel from Harvard Business School’s Robin Abrahams through the Boston Globe’s Miss Conduct column.

Abrahams, a research assistant for Professor Boris Groysberg, reflected on her journey as an advice columnist prior to her last column in early February. She shared insights on what has evolved over time, what remains unchanged, and how to enhance one’s ability to provide counsel in daily situations. This discussion has been refined for brevity and clarity.

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Could you elaborate on your role at Harvard and how it relates to writing an advice column, if at all?

I’ve held the column for about six months longer than my tenure at Harvard Business School. Professor Groysberg delves into organizational behavior, and much of what we’ve explored, along with what I’ve studied and written about, is quite relevant since it pertains to group dynamics.

One of my most cherished inquiries came from a young adolescent who was babysitting and didn’t receive the wage she anticipated. I detailed, “You’re a teenager, so it’s acceptable if you don’t manage it flawlessly, but afterward, reflect on what worked well and what didn’t, and jot down some notes regarding how you felt about the experience. Because one day, you might start your own business or secure a significant account, and you’ll encounter a difficult client, and you’ll want to recall how you handled this situation before.” I hadn’t previously thought in that manner; I wasn’t particularly business-oriented, so there’s been a remarkable alignment, and I’ve truly relished that.

What other types of queries have you addressed as Miss Conduct?

Certain inquiries have recurred repeatedly, with the foremost being thank-you notes. Numerous questions arise concerning friends, family, and others neglecting to send thank-you notes. I frequently receive requests from individuals stating, “I continuously indicate no gifts on invitations, yet guests still bring gifts, and I lack the space.” Eventually, you might decide to stop issuing those invitations.

It’s also been quite a significant 20 years, with ample changes taking place. Thus, I’ve encountered a fair number of social-change inquiries.

One memorable question was posed during the legalization of gay marriage in Massachusetts, where a gentleman wrote in mentioning his brother and his brother’s partner were about to tie the knot, and he was the best man. He inquired, “I understand that best men organize the bachelor party, but they are two men with a shared friend group, having been together for 20 years, so what should we do?” I suggested, “I’m unsure! Discuss it with your brother.” Even among heterosexual couples, diversity exists. The traditional Vegas-style celebrations are not the only model. Our perceptions of marriage are evolving.

COVID, naturally, was massive. I pondered for a time how I could be a supposed expert on social and organizational behavior while barely leaving my home. Yet, it turns out valuable lessons emerged from that period. Queries about how to ensure we don’t make each other ill arose frequently during COVID. “My co-workers handle my food.” “I observe individuals skipping handwashing.” “There are those coughing on the subway.” That’s simply part of coexisting in groups. Individuals live with invisible disabilities. A woman once wrote to me expressing that she had a neurological condition causing her to often appear inebriated in public. Our social fabric no longer resembles a village where everyone knows one another.

The financial crisis in ’08 was particularly painful, as I received many messages from those unable to continue their previous social routines. “I used to host a Christmas gathering, and it’s not feasible this year.” Or “I know my kids can’t afford to give presents to their educators.” There was a palpable sense of shame and inadequacy, and I reassured them, “It’s not your fault.”

“I receive an abundance of inquiries that fundamentally seek answers akin to the serenity prayer. You can only influence your own actions.”

One significant lesson gleaned from this column has been to find comfort in powerlessness. Being at ease with stating, “That’s a genuinely tough situation, and I lack an answer. An answer may not exist, but I see you, and I can assist you in understanding why this is occurring and reassure you that it’s not your fault, nor does it mean you’re not capable of finding an appropriate solution.”

Do you perceive a way to classify the types of responses individuals are searching for when they approach you for guidance? Do some seek consolation, desire tough love, or simply wish to vent?

I don’t believe I’ve encountered as many of the “I’m evidently incorrect, yet I’m utterly convinced I’m right” queries. Truthfully, I have a degree of envy towards other columnists who receive more of those, as they can be entertaining. I have received some, especially given my concise word limit, wherein I provide advice as if their intentions were noble while emphasizing what a virtuous individual would do.

I frequently receive numerous inquiries that fundamentally resemble serenity prayer responses. One lesson I’ve reiterated countless times over the years is that those who instructed you on manners as a child deceived you. There are no magical phrases. It’s impossible to inform someone they won’t receive what they desire without causing disappointment. Regardless of their wishes, it’s inevitable.

Has anything notably changed over the years that’s reflected in people’s inquiries?

The normalization of animosity and the reality that individuals must navigate that. When I initially began writing the column, I mentioned my avoidance of direct political questions, but now I receive them. People are genuinely fearful of becoming victims of prejudice — this has been an enormous and ongoing transformation, surpassing even the impacts of COVID.

Have you ever wished you had offered different advice to someone?

On a broad level, yes, but I’m uncertain about which inquiries they pertained to, as I once conducted live chats that were incredibly enjoyable. However, I often found myself retracting my advice about half the time because people would withhold crucial details. Someone might say, “Whenever my friend and I go out for coffee, I invariably end up covering the cost.” You should definitely mention that—she’s my kidney donor. Perhaps treating her to a coffee would be appropriate.

Do you have guidance for either seeking out or giving advice in our daily interactions?

Requesting feedback is absolutely brilliant. Do it more often than you deem necessary, as it not only provides valuable insights but also cultivates connections. People appreciate being consulted for advice; it empowers them and fosters a sense of belonging, which is what individuals seek.

Additionally, clearly distinguish when you are soliciting advice and when you are not, along with the type of advice you wish to receive. This was a lesson I learned from my mother, who would clarify her intentions by stating, “I’m merely expressing this to vent,” or “I require assistance in figuring this out,” or “I just want you to share my disdain for this individual for a time.”